How do you say "I don't speak Japanese"?

Last Thursday I went to the first-in-a-four part introductory Japanese language class offered to military personnel and their families.

The class is two hours every Thursday night throughout the month of June. The goal is once you complete this class you can go on to the second level in July. I had high hopes for this class. I thought that this class would teach me the words I needed to communicate with my non-English speaking neighbors. Finally I could order from a menu and converse with the saleswoman at the 100 Yen shop.

Let's face the facts: I'm foreign language challenged. I barely grasp English, so learning a second language is nearly impossible for me. Benny learns a phrase a week, thanks to his administrative assistant. She writes the phrase on a white board in his office and he practices it with his co-workers. So far he has learned to say "No worries," "Thanks for the hard work," and "Have a good weekend." I think he also learned the days of the week because he has been singing the "Happy Days" television show's theme music is Japanese lately.

Benny knows enough German to talk to my Berlin-born grandmother and can order a chicken taco in Spanish, even though there is a long-standing joke with our Yuma friends over the time Benny mispronounced "dinero."

I, on the other hand, took six years of Spanish and can barely remember to say "thank you" or "hello" at a Mexican restaurant. And for some reason being in Japan has made my Spanish skills stronger than ever. I frequently say "Hola" when I mean to say "Konnichiwa." It's a cultural disaster.

The class offered on base is free, so I can't complain. It is taught by volunteers, which are native speakers, so their Japanese is excellent. But their English isn't the best, so when I ask questions such as:

"OK, so there isn't a word for 'hello' in Japanese. I need to say either 'good morning,' 'good afternoon,' or 'good evening,' right?"

"Hai," my sensei said giving me an affirmative response.

"So what time do I change from saying 'good afternoon' to 'good evening'? 6 p.m.? After I've ate dinner? 9 p.m.?"

My sensei (teacher in Japanese) gives me a confused look and continues to repeat the phrases in Japanese.

Learning just a sliver of Japanese has made me realize why Japanese children score higher on math and science tests than American children. First of all, there is 48 letters in their alphabet and they don't even have the letter "l". Some letters are repeated, at least the sound is, but the way the sound is written makes it a completely different letter. Every single word ends in either a vowel or the letter "n." Plus there is formal speech and causal speech for everything including what you call your grandmother to how you ask for a toilet. Meanwhile I can't even remember the word for "toilet."

All I want to learn to say is "I don't speak Japanese" and most importantly "Do you have a menu in English?"

Tonight I return for my second lesson. I wonder what I will learn .... hmmm, maybe I should write a posting about my class in my limited Japanese. Would this be a good way to practice?